So this is a weird and interesting start to a new blog entry to a blog I started like 3 years ago. So if you’re a fan of my old stuff, I’m sorry I deleted it because it’s…not my writing style anymore. I’m still gonna write about cosplay and other nerd stuff, but not in that long and drawn out way.
Since I have a lot on my mind, I’ll do a new intro-explainy like post later. If you’ve been following me on my Instagram, that’s more so the direction I want to go in but in written form. If you’re not already a follower, I say head over to my Instagram (if you’re on your phone @smika122) and check out my IGTV for my ‘Ten Minutes or Less’ series-like thing I got going on. That’s the direction I want this blog to go in.
Anywho, to start off this post I’m dating. Dating to me, at least right now, isn’t being mutually exclusive to someone just yet. It means I’m dating multiple guys, going on dates in hopes of finding someone neat. Due to a slight setback in my plans, you could say I’ve been pushed to take dating a lot more seriously.
At first I was dating to pass the time and hopefully find someone, the kind of dating where you’re just coasting and not really expecting anything. Very soon I found out that kind of dating wasn’t for me and what I wanted to do because the kind of guys I entertained weren’t all that great. You learn pretty quickly if where you stand in this dating game when you meet guys who have wishy washy intent. Or rather, you learn where your intent really is. And for me, I learned I would rather look seriously than just joke around.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very open and dating, keeping my option and such, but someone has just popped up and caught my eye in the most serious way possible and it’s throwing me off my game!
He’ll need a name because I’m pretty sure a lot of these posts will be remotely about him, so let’s call him………..BlackBoyJoy or BBJ.
I’m not gonna do into details on how we met or whatever, but when we met he caught my eye and I’ll leave it at that. BUT at the time he had a girlfriend or a partner so I put my feels in a box and put them in the attic never to be seen again. The one thing I’ll probably feel guilty about for a while is the fact that I knew back then I had a crush on him while we were new friends and just thought about him casually while we hung out.
I never had any intentions of trying to “snatch” him away or “get out the friendzone” (which I think is dumb and I’ll get on that later). I legitimately just wanted to be a friend and not be that one. I even found ways to disqualify myself from his list of maybes if he ever became single or whatever (don’t worry, I wasn’t banking on him becoming single or waiting for it. Life moves on and I gotta live it). I’m not his type. He looks to be the kind of dude who likes “woke” black women, artistic and very Afrocentric black women, spoken word kind of black women, the ones who are confident in their blackness and proud black women. Totes not me.
I’m a cute potato. I’m very basic on days I work and glam up once in a while. I don’t read as many books (non mangas/comics) as you’d think (despite my profession) and I’m far from being confident and you won’t find me at a poetry slam. I’m introverted as hell with pops of extroversion. At best, I’m a reformed tomboy. I’m NONE of what his type would be so I figured why even have feelings for someone who wouldn’t even have me on their radar. So, feelings in a box and tucked away to be forgotten until I move. Checked.
It wasn’t until some random glitch in the universe a few months ago, that everything changed. On the day of an event I was dreading, somehow him and I clicked. He just clicked. I thought nothing of it, but in the days following we clicked more and more until somehow I landed in his DMs and have been there for like…2 weeks now?
To give a rundown so that I can get to the good stuff: he is single so I’m not tromping on anything, he has had an interest in me for a bit (maybe around the same time as me?), and he likes me. WTF.
So right now, I’m just floating in a state of shock and wonder. We’ve been talking for a short bit but in that short bit, we’ve been talking about deep stuff. Topics about how we process traumas, favorite books and recommending reads to each other, and yesterday he shared pics he took while at an art gallery because I wasn’t there to see it. The bum didn’t show me everything because he wants me to see it for myself but still!
For as long as we’ve been talking, my mind drifts to him often. I want to bombard him and just talk more, I want to take some of his time, I just want to bask in him and it boggles my mind that this is how I feel. I don’t ever recalling feeling this way in a while or wanting to do to things like this. It doesn’t scare me, I guess I’m more worried if anything.
Worried that the feels I’m feeling are more than just excitement from someone who is stimulating me mentally and speaking to my love of deep conversations and that if something goes off the tracks/doesn’t pan out that I’ll be more bummed than usual.
I want to enjoy this moment, but I know I’m seriously in-like with this dude and what happens from here on out is gonna give me anxiety.